Dread & Fear & Living In The Moment
Well, here we are again.
I know how this works.
I can already feel the clouds gathering and the world suddenly feels just a little more claustrophobic and slightly pointless once more.
And whilst it fills me with the same kind of dread and fear that I remember from before, I do at least have the benefit of experience to help me find a way through this familiar but challenging situation.
Because this is real.
And whilst these are the first steps along the path, the journey from guesswork through likelihood towards the devastation of confirmation, I still remember the route.
This is where I have to remind myself about the importance of living in the moment. And when I say living in the moment, I don’t mean the sort of “positive but completely devoid of reality” life mantras that we all get to like and share on social media.
No.
What I mean is the “I am terrified and scared and if I don’t find something, anything, to make me smile and hang on to then I will be overwhelmed by a wave of all consuming negativity and depression” kind of living in the moment.
And I have to help someone else manage this first before I get to help myself.
This is where some find the strength to bring out their stoic side and plan for the worst so that anything else seems like a bonus.
And it is where it can also feel like no-one else knows what this could possibly feel like.
Because whilst the focus is never, ever on me it still feels as bad. But I am never allowed to share it.
So now, as our world once again darkens, I get to focus my time on searching for a small pot of gold at the end of our rainbow. And what that means for us, perhaps, is a hunt for an occasional ray of light, shining briefly through the clouds, so that someone else gets to bask in its warmth for as long as they possibly can.
